I have begun to grieve the loss of another summer. It happens every year. Usually the sadness begins to creep in around two weeks before school starts and my mind becomes acutely aware of the first day looming ahead. To thoughts of "the routine" and my boys spending the week-days on their own journey of growth and learning and me spending the day crafting mine. At first I try and push it out of my mind not wanting to taint our last moments of pure togetherness and freedom with thoughts of what isn't even happening yet. But then as the one week mark approaches I begin the self-talk. The voice inside your head that reasons "the structure of a routine will be good for all of us. We should be looking forward to the different change of pace. After all, we can't realistically continue this blissful floating forever." Me, myself and I have this silent conversation until a few days before the first school bell is about to ring. Then, at that point, I begin to cut through the silence and say out-loud what we all don't want to hear "school starts in a few days." We all know it, but to say it out-loud makes it a reality that we now must prepare to face. For my boys it means that their days will no longer be entirely their own, their responsibilities will increase as will expectations. Not such a bad thing after 3 full months off. For me it means the beginning of my 5:30am wake up call so I can start my day with the newspaper and my cup of tea before I rouse my boys out of bed, make breakfast, make the lunches and greet the morning traffic as we head towards campus. Soon I will need to go back to being the homework police and the bedtime police. Two of my least favorite roles.
While I am sad to say good-bye to summer I also know from experience that once I step over the threshold into the school year on that first day I don't have to shut the door behind me all the way. In a weeks time we will begin to thrive and be grateful for the routine and the definition it brings to our life. And, we will still find ways to keep that vacation spirit alive each day in little ways. The school year offers a stretch of time where we can each concentrate more on our own personal growth while still carving out time to grab those spontaneous ice cream cones, night swims and exploration of new places on the weekends. We will appreciate those moments when they come along even more knowing we have a way to go before they are endlessly swirling around us again.
But, what is really making my heart extra heavy this year is the thought that my oldest guy is starting high-school and I am consumed with the realization, and am acutely aware, that we only have 4 summers left with him before he goes off to college. How did time speed up all of a sudden? How can I now be at the point where I can count the traditional family summers we have left to spend with our boy on one hand? When my thoughts head in that direction I need to remind myself to stay in the present and make the most of our time, because, guess what? I still have the gift of that time right now. Just like with these final days of summer, I need to make the most of the next 4 years and not cloud what I have now with thoughts of things that aren't even here yet. I need to enjoy each moment because someday I will be wishing that I had two lunches to make, two boys to rouse out of bed, and an entire school year ahead of us to spend together.
With a few days left, we will enjoy what we've got and look forward to the balance the school year will bring. It's never let us down before, always offering is own type of magic along with growth and a structure that we didn't even realize we were all sort of missing......
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